It’s been four months since my darling Milli left home; this home, we all share. I can’t say she died because, I don’t see it like that. I have decided to write this blog because perhaps in seeing why I feel the way I do, it may cause a shift in prespective and in doing so, give more joy and less pain. From a totally selfish point of view, I like having a place that allows me to share stories of my girl, because whilst I can’t talk about how she is doing in school, her friendships, planned birthdays and holidays, first boyfriends…..I can indulge in all the lifetimes worth of lessons and beautiful memories she has left behind.
I don’t know anything for certain, but what I FEEL deeply, as a result of Mills life is this:
- We are all born with a pre-determined number of breaths. We come here to laugh, learn, love and grow and then we move on. Before heading off, do as the cheesy card says and as my daughter naturally did. ”Dance as if no one is watching, sing as if no one is listening and live each day as if it were your last”.
- When those we love, leave us physically, they reside within us, in our every action. Accessing the powerful goodness within us is a precious gift and every interaction we have ever had provides us with that gift/that learning.
- At my daughters send-off (sorry, don’t like the word funeral either), I opened with the line ‘when I grow up, I want to be Milli Kaushal’. She had just turned 11, but lived a rich and full life, in which she did more than one could hope for in a much longer span. She was always true to herself and never afraid to show her duality. Mills loved pink, princess and fairies, even when her peers thought it was not cool. In fact, Mills was a life of total passion, love, strength and when necessary, one of beautiful surrender.
Mills life has lead me to the realisation that I was never as brave as my beloved and have spent much time doing what seemed, rather than felt right. There is still a deep longing to hold Mills, to hear her sing, giggle and share her musings on life. Yes, I do miss her but I will not let that deter me from living and as honestly as she did. I do feel vulnerable sharing this journey, as who knows where it might end and indeed how being so exposed will play out. My home, friendships, vocation and all that has seemingly provided a foundation, is on shifting sand but it’s fine and it is a path I can no longer ignore.
Oh, one thing I do know is, I am not good at writing short bullet points!
I will write again very soon but in the meantime, here is a picture of my lovely girl and I in Namibia, on shifting sand! But look, hand in hand we felt safe and I still do, as her love carries me.