Mills taught me we come here to grow, love and ideally, have a lot of fun along the way. My own growth was helped, during difficult times, by reading spiritual books and finding re-assurance in nature’s life cycle. So the two pledges that brought such joy to me personally, were from a friend who pledged to grow herbs in her window box and my niece, who pledged to leave her old books, in random places, for strangers to find and make their own. Life is beautiful and really not that complicated.
Mills loved to write poems. She had a special pink embroidered book we found on a tripto Rajasthan. Taking the book from her neat stationery unit, in the corner of her bedroom, she would sit and write. Sometimes there was silence and other times, singing and then she would waltz into the kitchen and announce it was time to hear her latest works. We would sit, trying to keep the smirks off our faces as Mills shared her words with a knowing smile that said, ‘it’s great and I am rather charming, don’t you think?’. Well, it always was and she always was and yet, she constantly surprised us with her depth of inner knowing. She loved poems, music and dance and no matter what the activity, Mills was always in the moment. Something, I have yet to learn and I now listen to Mills message of stillness.
Calm is being still.
Be loving when you are still.
Be joyful when you are still.
Stillness means to be steady.
Stillness means to really think for yourself.
Stillness means to listen to yourself.
written by milli kaushal.
It’s been four months since my darling Milli left home; this home, we all share. I can’t say she died because, I don’t see it like that. I have decided to write this blog because perhaps in seeing why I feel the way I do, it may cause a shift in prespective and in doing so, give more joy and less pain. From a totally selfish point of view, I like having a place that allows me to share stories of my girl, because whilst I can’t talk about how she is doing in school, her friendships, planned birthdays and holidays, first boyfriends…..I can indulge in all the lifetimes worth of lessons and beautiful memories she has left behind.
I don’t know anything for certain, but what I FEEL deeply, as a result of Mills life is this:
- We are all born with a pre-determined number of breaths. We come here to laugh, learn, love and grow and then we move on. Before heading off, do as the cheesy card says and as my daughter naturally did. ”Dance as if no one is watching, sing as if no one is listening and live each day as if it were your last”.
- When those we love, leave us physically, they reside within us, in our every action. Accessing the powerful goodness within us is a precious gift and every interaction we have ever had provides us with that gift/that learning.
- At my daughters send-off (sorry, don’t like the word funeral either), I opened with the line ‘when I grow up, I want to be Milli Kaushal’. She had just turned 11, but lived a rich and full life, in which she did more than one could hope for in a much longer span. She was always true to herself and never afraid to show her duality. Mills loved pink, princess and fairies, even when her peers thought it was not cool. In fact, Mills was a life of total passion, love, strength and when necessary, one of beautiful surrender.
Mills life has lead me to the realisation that I was never as brave as my beloved and have spent much time doing what seemed, rather than felt right. There is still a deep longing to hold Mills, to hear her sing, giggle and share her musings on life. Yes, I do miss her but I will not let that deter me from living and as honestly as she did. I do feel vulnerable sharing this journey, as who knows where it might end and indeed how being so exposed will play out. My home, friendships, vocation and all that has seemingly provided a foundation, is on shifting sand but it’s fine and it is a path I can no longer ignore.
Oh, one thing I do know is, I am not good at writing short bullet points!
I will write again very soon but in the meantime, here is a picture of my lovely girl and I in Namibia, on shifting sand! But look, hand in hand we felt safe and I still do, as her love carries me.
Thames & Hudson Family Life Style Travel – Anita Kaushal. Photo Penny Wincer
Mills was an extraordinary girl, who lived so full; always in the moment, who giggled so freely, felt so deeply and loved so generously. Here are some of the beautiful musings, pictures and memories as shared by friends and family.
Milli lived with illness, yet has never shown a want of valour. Let that then be her living legacy to us. To be brave, to be honest, to face all and not flinch; to love without reservation and to be unimaginably beautiful, in heart and in soul.